“IT” does feel like being lit on fire. Everything hurts. Struggling to breathe. They say a cold shower helps. Something to shock the sense and ground you. Appreciate this blog. We can all fight IT together. \\\
A true friend is a very rare commodity in this world; we are so very sorry for your loss. Let’s hope that your eloquent illustration of interpretation and understanding goes a long way to help others waging similar battles. Keep up the good fight: as you encourage us, we will continue to encourage you. \\\
To know that there are good men like you in the world is an indescribable comfort to me. To endure all a soldier has to and then come home to attempt to live a full life while keeping the demons at bay, is about as difficult and inspiring a feat as I could imagine. Walking through hell and not stopping until you get back into the light to feel the sunshine on your face for yet another day. Hang in there, the world needs good men. I'm sorry your brother couldn't stay. Your positive attitude in the face of what must be a very painful loss helps us all by example. You are a good man Jeremy Mackenzie. Morgan is a lucky woman and your friends lucky men and woman.
PS. check out Wim Hoff if you haven't already. Ice baths have done wonders for this old womans state of mind. Its a damn good reset. I send you my warm regards and condolences . God keep you and protect you.
Excellent explanation Jeremy. I have been a peer trauma councillor since 1988. Former reservist and LEO. Retired in 2006 and still counselling. I have been following you for a long time even before covid. I would really like to meet you and share some thoughts some day.
Mackenzie...why I want to call you Mackenzie, and not Jeremy, I do not know, but this has been happening of late...Mackenzie. I cannot speak to your experience, but what you wrote brought me to tears. I've been through shit, though nothing of the sort of shit you've been through, no doubt, and I've experienced trauma, and I have battled with IT many times in my life. My answer to IT is always, that I won't give IT the win, and I will never let the bastards get me down, nor give anyone the satisfaction that I gave in to IT. This 'IT' eats the lost parts of your soul, and until you bring those parts of your soul home, IT will always be waiting, and IT will always be hungry. Your eloquence in writing, your ability to express your feelings...brought me to tears...because I UNDERSTAND. I don't know, nor can I ever relate to your, or anyone else's, experiences in this regard, does not mean I do not empathize, and that I do not understand. I remember WWII veterans coming to my school when I was a child, and sitting with them, and listening to them, and resonating with them. I have warrior ancestors who fought in WWI, and in wars many years before, my first ancestor on this continent arriving in 1644 with the French Armada (if they even called it that then), so I do resonate with you. If there is any way I can help a vet, if someone needs a place to just be quiet for a while, I have space for someone to try and bring the pieces of their soul home. I also have horses...not the kind that trample on innocent people, but ones who feel the battles of ancestors past as well. Peace be with you. S.
p.s. I would not be surprised in the least if we are somehow related....ancestrally, that is.
First of all let me say that I am so terribly sorry for your loss! I send condolences for you, his family and all of his friends and brothers. Secondly, I say thank you! Thank you for what you do, the community you have built, the fight you continue and for being real. Your honesty and your vulnerability is so real and such a breath of fresh air in our world consumed by lies and fakeness.
I also want to thank you for explaining IT, because I understand better now. In the darkness of the last few years, IT has been lurking and stopped by to visit some on occasion and I just didn’t understand IT. Now I see IT more clearly. Thank you.
This was beautifully written and such an honor to read. Thank you for your service. And thank you for sharing about the loss of your friend and honoring him.
My condolences Jeremy. I know what’s it like to lose a brother and a sister too early in their life. They leave a big hole in everyone heart and mind who live to appreciate their character on a daily basis.
The “Why?” is always haunting us.
“It” can be the most self destructive force someone can experience. A vortex of darkness and confusion that dulls the mind and poison the soul. It’s the hardest battle for everyone. Especially during those times where we face more hardships then we can acknowledge.
It’s the aftermath that hits most. All the remaining ones feels the lost heavily.
That’s why no one gets on the truck. That’s why we meet. We create momentum in this community. To fight “IT”. To always shed a light on the lies, to help each other’s and always giving our support to one another.
We try to avoid “IT” to strike our fellow friends and family members. We give hope, love and break the solitude of many. The solitude of been on a island of the mind where we’re surrounded by clowns dancing on the beat of their oppressors.
Stand fast my friend, we’re all in this together be it veterans, active members or civilians, in the end, we’re gonna win.
Our resolve is infinite because we love each other’s and we fight for one another.
Was ready and still coming to see the rest of the ICoy brothers at the end of the month. Then something happens like a lightning strike as you described. This hits hard man, it really does. I feel you brother, as I was there on the front lines in the platoon beside him, fighting like a fire breathing motherfucker. If anyone even knew how much a fucking warrior that man was fighting the enemy so many don't have to. I tell ya, I tells ya!
Rest easy brother, and to the rest of the Brothers out there....please, reach out. We need every last one of ya's!
Thank you for taking the time and the emotional energy that must have taken to share that <3
We live in a world of fake outrage and can't let IT get the better of any of us. The last couple years has had so many of us questioning our own sanity in a world of insanity. Finding our tribe has been the glue holding many of us together. Thank you for your part in sparking that flame Jeremy \\\
Thank you, Jeremy for building this community. There is a spiritual connection sometimes lost in the printed word that binds us all. As someone looking in, I appreciate each and every one of you brave men and women for your sacrifice to bring peace and stability to this crazy world. very sorry for your loss, Jeremy.
I hear you. I see you. I am not a soldier, and yet I know "IT" too. We met recently. That ugly, dark mother fucker, lurking like a fetid gargoyle in the shadow of my lonely bedroom. Waiting like a rotten stench to slink across the floor and whisper in my ear, to worm his way into my fucking skull. To screw me over if I drop my guard for a fraction of a second.
After getting some help and becoming aware that I've been subject to years of abuse by someone I loved, cherished, gave everything to... I now see the large, powerful, and ever present "IT" in my life. He's almost won, that fucking bastard. Multiple times. 180 down a mountain pass, half hoping the brakes will fail - just this one time. I know exactly where the guard rails are out over the steepest cliff faces. Wondering which pills will make it quick and easy. Knowing that even without a firearm, there's always other really simple ways to get on the truck.
By the grace of something beyond myself I'm still here to lay in bed at 4AM, unable to sleep, read your words, ponder and appreciate them.
Whenever that lurking fucker steps out of the corner to loom his ugly shadow over me, thoughts of my children, family, and friends - all of whom I'd throw myself in front of a bus for - they aren't enough. I don't know how or why I'm still here. I can tell the fight itself will last forever, but time is definitely the key to surviving each round long enough for the bell to ring. No permanent solutions to temporary problems. This too shall pass.
Thank you for your voice. I hear you. I see you. I'm just another dumb civvy, and yet, as the lone soldier in my own private war, I hold a deep affinity and strong respect for war fighters - and I've known many. It's something that I can't quite put my finger on. All I can figure is that there's a "genuine" quality to people who've experienced real struggle, suffering, and loss.
Someday, I hope to meet, shake your hand, look you in the eyes, and say thank you. Your voice has helped keep me alive from before I even knew about that malevolent black fucker, the "IT" in the corner.
I'm sorry about your brother. That sucks donkey balls. The world desperately needs good people like him right now. For what it's worth, as just one more dumb civvy, I choose - be it my place or not -to fight on in his name; in your name; on behalf of all good war fighters. I chose to do what I can with my life to show you all some small measure of the respect and honour you deserve. Your voice is not lost. I hear you. I see you.
Yup, sooo, starting to have issues with my email account and password relative to my substantial Substack community. Imagine that. And, well, if someone (IT) is taking this personally fuck ///em if they can’t take a joke. Silly buggers.
This writing continues to be the most helpful writing I have encountered in 40 years of nursing. If I were still practicing I would suggest all my despondent patients read it, ponder it and absorb it. Thank You!
I'm almost 60. My father taught me when I was very young, that when we see our Canadian Soldiers, we step aside, and we thank them for their service. Citizens of Canada, be proud of our brave men and women who are protecting you. You are forever in their debt, and must understand the sacrifices these people have made, for us all. Jeremy, thank you for your service.
“IT” does feel like being lit on fire. Everything hurts. Struggling to breathe. They say a cold shower helps. Something to shock the sense and ground you. Appreciate this blog. We can all fight IT together. \\\
A true friend is a very rare commodity in this world; we are so very sorry for your loss. Let’s hope that your eloquent illustration of interpretation and understanding goes a long way to help others waging similar battles. Keep up the good fight: as you encourage us, we will continue to encourage you. \\\
To know that there are good men like you in the world is an indescribable comfort to me. To endure all a soldier has to and then come home to attempt to live a full life while keeping the demons at bay, is about as difficult and inspiring a feat as I could imagine. Walking through hell and not stopping until you get back into the light to feel the sunshine on your face for yet another day. Hang in there, the world needs good men. I'm sorry your brother couldn't stay. Your positive attitude in the face of what must be a very painful loss helps us all by example. You are a good man Jeremy Mackenzie. Morgan is a lucky woman and your friends lucky men and woman.
PS. check out Wim Hoff if you haven't already. Ice baths have done wonders for this old womans state of mind. Its a damn good reset. I send you my warm regards and condolences . God keep you and protect you.
Excellent explanation Jeremy. I have been a peer trauma councillor since 1988. Former reservist and LEO. Retired in 2006 and still counselling. I have been following you for a long time even before covid. I would really like to meet you and share some thoughts some day.
Mackenzie...why I want to call you Mackenzie, and not Jeremy, I do not know, but this has been happening of late...Mackenzie. I cannot speak to your experience, but what you wrote brought me to tears. I've been through shit, though nothing of the sort of shit you've been through, no doubt, and I've experienced trauma, and I have battled with IT many times in my life. My answer to IT is always, that I won't give IT the win, and I will never let the bastards get me down, nor give anyone the satisfaction that I gave in to IT. This 'IT' eats the lost parts of your soul, and until you bring those parts of your soul home, IT will always be waiting, and IT will always be hungry. Your eloquence in writing, your ability to express your feelings...brought me to tears...because I UNDERSTAND. I don't know, nor can I ever relate to your, or anyone else's, experiences in this regard, does not mean I do not empathize, and that I do not understand. I remember WWII veterans coming to my school when I was a child, and sitting with them, and listening to them, and resonating with them. I have warrior ancestors who fought in WWI, and in wars many years before, my first ancestor on this continent arriving in 1644 with the French Armada (if they even called it that then), so I do resonate with you. If there is any way I can help a vet, if someone needs a place to just be quiet for a while, I have space for someone to try and bring the pieces of their soul home. I also have horses...not the kind that trample on innocent people, but ones who feel the battles of ancestors past as well. Peace be with you. S.
p.s. I would not be surprised in the least if we are somehow related....ancestrally, that is.
First of all let me say that I am so terribly sorry for your loss! I send condolences for you, his family and all of his friends and brothers. Secondly, I say thank you! Thank you for what you do, the community you have built, the fight you continue and for being real. Your honesty and your vulnerability is so real and such a breath of fresh air in our world consumed by lies and fakeness.
I also want to thank you for explaining IT, because I understand better now. In the darkness of the last few years, IT has been lurking and stopped by to visit some on occasion and I just didn’t understand IT. Now I see IT more clearly. Thank you.
This was beautifully written and such an honor to read. Thank you for your service. And thank you for sharing about the loss of your friend and honoring him.
My condolences. This is very well said. This will certainly help someone not get on the truck. Thank you.
My condolences Jeremy. I know what’s it like to lose a brother and a sister too early in their life. They leave a big hole in everyone heart and mind who live to appreciate their character on a daily basis.
The “Why?” is always haunting us.
“It” can be the most self destructive force someone can experience. A vortex of darkness and confusion that dulls the mind and poison the soul. It’s the hardest battle for everyone. Especially during those times where we face more hardships then we can acknowledge.
It’s the aftermath that hits most. All the remaining ones feels the lost heavily.
That’s why no one gets on the truck. That’s why we meet. We create momentum in this community. To fight “IT”. To always shed a light on the lies, to help each other’s and always giving our support to one another.
We try to avoid “IT” to strike our fellow friends and family members. We give hope, love and break the solitude of many. The solitude of been on a island of the mind where we’re surrounded by clowns dancing on the beat of their oppressors.
Stand fast my friend, we’re all in this together be it veterans, active members or civilians, in the end, we’re gonna win.
Our resolve is infinite because we love each other’s and we fight for one another.
PRO PATRIA BROTHERS.
Was ready and still coming to see the rest of the ICoy brothers at the end of the month. Then something happens like a lightning strike as you described. This hits hard man, it really does. I feel you brother, as I was there on the front lines in the platoon beside him, fighting like a fire breathing motherfucker. If anyone even knew how much a fucking warrior that man was fighting the enemy so many don't have to. I tell ya, I tells ya!
Rest easy brother, and to the rest of the Brothers out there....please, reach out. We need every last one of ya's!
NEVER FORGOTTEN.
Keep fighting the GOOD fight Jer.....
66UGLY
Thank you for taking the time and the emotional energy that must have taken to share that <3
We live in a world of fake outrage and can't let IT get the better of any of us. The last couple years has had so many of us questioning our own sanity in a world of insanity. Finding our tribe has been the glue holding many of us together. Thank you for your part in sparking that flame Jeremy \\\
Thank you, Jeremy for building this community. There is a spiritual connection sometimes lost in the printed word that binds us all. As someone looking in, I appreciate each and every one of you brave men and women for your sacrifice to bring peace and stability to this crazy world. very sorry for your loss, Jeremy.
I hear you. I see you. I am not a soldier, and yet I know "IT" too. We met recently. That ugly, dark mother fucker, lurking like a fetid gargoyle in the shadow of my lonely bedroom. Waiting like a rotten stench to slink across the floor and whisper in my ear, to worm his way into my fucking skull. To screw me over if I drop my guard for a fraction of a second.
After getting some help and becoming aware that I've been subject to years of abuse by someone I loved, cherished, gave everything to... I now see the large, powerful, and ever present "IT" in my life. He's almost won, that fucking bastard. Multiple times. 180 down a mountain pass, half hoping the brakes will fail - just this one time. I know exactly where the guard rails are out over the steepest cliff faces. Wondering which pills will make it quick and easy. Knowing that even without a firearm, there's always other really simple ways to get on the truck.
By the grace of something beyond myself I'm still here to lay in bed at 4AM, unable to sleep, read your words, ponder and appreciate them.
Whenever that lurking fucker steps out of the corner to loom his ugly shadow over me, thoughts of my children, family, and friends - all of whom I'd throw myself in front of a bus for - they aren't enough. I don't know how or why I'm still here. I can tell the fight itself will last forever, but time is definitely the key to surviving each round long enough for the bell to ring. No permanent solutions to temporary problems. This too shall pass.
Thank you for your voice. I hear you. I see you. I'm just another dumb civvy, and yet, as the lone soldier in my own private war, I hold a deep affinity and strong respect for war fighters - and I've known many. It's something that I can't quite put my finger on. All I can figure is that there's a "genuine" quality to people who've experienced real struggle, suffering, and loss.
Someday, I hope to meet, shake your hand, look you in the eyes, and say thank you. Your voice has helped keep me alive from before I even knew about that malevolent black fucker, the "IT" in the corner.
I'm sorry about your brother. That sucks donkey balls. The world desperately needs good people like him right now. For what it's worth, as just one more dumb civvy, I choose - be it my place or not -to fight on in his name; in your name; on behalf of all good war fighters. I chose to do what I can with my life to show you all some small measure of the respect and honour you deserve. Your voice is not lost. I hear you. I see you.
Yup, sooo, starting to have issues with my email account and password relative to my substantial Substack community. Imagine that. And, well, if someone (IT) is taking this personally fuck ///em if they can’t take a joke. Silly buggers.
This writing continues to be the most helpful writing I have encountered in 40 years of nursing. If I were still practicing I would suggest all my despondent patients read it, ponder it and absorb it. Thank You!
I'm almost 60. My father taught me when I was very young, that when we see our Canadian Soldiers, we step aside, and we thank them for their service. Citizens of Canada, be proud of our brave men and women who are protecting you. You are forever in their debt, and must understand the sacrifices these people have made, for us all. Jeremy, thank you for your service.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqSnT0Acw-Y
Brilliant.